Rule number one, don't wait until 3 days before an event and send a cryptic text message with no address or time inviting someone to a party for someone they hardly know. "Oh by the way, I was supposed to invite you to a birthday party for Tina who has never had a birthday party, you know so and so's something or other. It is going to be at Nic's house on Thursday, come whenever." - This is entirely inappropriate.
Rule number two, if you can't afford to throw a party, don't. This means if you can't afford to at least have cheap hors d'oeuvres set out for guests, (or a fucking bowl of chips and dip) then don't throw the party. If you can't afford simple alcohols, such as an inexpensive domestic beer and some inexpensive white and red wines (enough for each guest to have 2 servings) then either tell everyone it is a BYOB party (still tacky- but at least they are warned) or don't have the party. For that matter you could at least have soda available so we aren't stuck drinking tap water. Grown adults expect food and alcohol at a party. Also, taking apart nutty bars and putting them on a plate as an appetizer, does not count and is disgusting. You aren't fooling anyone with your lack of preparation.
Rule number three, children do not belong at adult parties. If you have children and you bring them to a party, please don't bring them while they have the flu or some other contagious disease and then allow them to cough and sneeze all over the dinner table while we are eating.
Rule number four, if you can't cook, don't. Order a fucking pizza, but don't make us sit there and eat the slop you call food. No one expects you to be an executive chef, but seriously, you have no taste buds if you think your cooking is actually good and it makes me want to vomit. And if you make shrimp for people, take the fucking tails off for christ's sake. Unless it is shrimp cocktail the tails should never be served on the shrimp.
Rule number five, don't ask your guests to bring everything for your party. That is just rude. I could have stayed home and had a great time with my food and my drinks.
Rule number six, don't get drunk and pass out on the living room floor at your own party. Also, don't throw up in the kitchen sink in front of everyone.
Rule number seven, make sure there is toilet paper in every bathroom and make sure there are extra rolls. Never leave an empty roll in the bathroom knowing damn right well you are having guests over. What the fuck is wrong with you!
Rule number eight, while you don't have to hire a maid, you should at least attempt to clean your house somewhat before having guests over. Piles of clean or dirty laundry should at least be hidden in the back of a closet if you don't have time to deal with them properly. The trash should not be overflowing and you should run the broom or vacuum really quickly before people show up. Also, maybe dust quickly if you don't have time to sufficiently clean the house, at least hit the areas where you know people will be.
Rule number nine, do not let your cat or dog or hedgehog walk on the kitchen tables and counters, it is disgusting.
Rule number ten, make your guests comfortable. I realize that you have been cooking and cleaning and preparing all day long but if it is 25 degrees outside and it is about 40 degrees inside and my teeth are chattering and I have on a sweater my coat, gloves, hat and scarf and you have the door open because you've been drinking wine for the past 3 hours, something is wrong here.
I can't think of any more rules because I just feel like this is common sense. Clearly it is not common practice though as I have now gone to two dinner parties in the past few months that have had all if not at least half of these issues come up. I'm not perfect, but I have never had people to my house without being prepared.
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