So I'm talking to my fiance last night about planning our wedding and it dawns on us that we aren't going to actually be able to have the wedding that we want. What I envisioned was something completely bohemian and out of the ordinary. I wanted to get married in Puerto Rico on the beach or in a botanical garden or in the rain forest there. I wanted it to be whimsical and left to chance. I didn't want to choose my flowers, but rather go to the local flower sellers on the street that morning and get what is in season and I didn't want to have a huge seated dinner, I wanted to just go to a restaurant and have everyone order whatever they wanted from the menu and we would pay at the end of the night. I wanted to spend the evening dancing to a steel drum band or learning to salsa on the dance floor. I wanted to wake up the next day and have a farewell brunch to my guests and send them off so my fiance and I could finish our honeymoon ALONE! But apparently everyone else had other ideas and that is why I'm about to turn Bridezilla on some bitches.
The first thing that is ruining my entire fantasy here is that my fiance's family can't afford to go. His parents are on a fixed limited income and while they could save a bit to help pay their own way, they simply couldn't afford the whole shebang, which is fine, we were willing to pay for them to fly out there and stay for 3 nights (the traditional amount of time one would spend at a destination wedding). But there are a few issues with this just now coming up. Suddenly, my fiance's father is afraid to fly. Ok, so take some fucking xanax and get on the goddamn plane. Also, his mother is now looking at this as a free vacation. She said well if you are paying why don't we stay for a whole week. Here is why you don't stay a whole week: 1) because we are paying- that is going to cost a small fortune to put you up in a hotel for a week, then who is going to buy all of your food and entertainment 2) that brings me to my next point, we will be expected to be their entertainment. ON OUR GODDAMN HONEYMOON. His parents will be up our asses. Doesn't that sound like every newlywed's dream? It is simply not appropriate, but the thing is his family has never been appropriate. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly but as my fiance even said you can take the people out of the trailer, but the trailer is on wheels.
Then his mother has some other money saving ideas, like renting a huge beach house and having "all of the women go in the kitchen and cook, and then we can hire a dj and dance in the house". Really, that sounds fun to you? This coming from someone who has a mini manic breakdown every Thanksgiving cooking for a family of about 8. Really, you want to take that burden on? I already had one hillbilly hoedown wedding complete with chaffing dishes and burners under them and a keg of beer with plastic cups. I don't want that. I don't want the stress of it and I don't want to have to work on my wedding day. My fiance and I want to be catered to. But we would end up doing all of the work if this were the route we took. My fiance would be outside building an archway and his mother would be trying to glue fake flowers to it and cook potato salad in the kitchen at the same time. This is not what either of us envisioned. It's fucking tacky.
Then there is my fiance's siblings. His sister is a handful and I'm not even sure she would be allowed to leave the state (she might be in jail by then for all we know, it depends on her upcoming court hearings). So not only would we have to pay for his parents, we'd have to pay for her too. Then his one brother pointed out how much of a burden it would be on the rest of the family. Right, so why burden anyone else with responsibility? People just want to show up to a wedding someone else is paying for, party all night, eat a free meal, drink at an open bar, trash the place and then leave. Great, so who is being selfish now? What do we get out of that? We aren't getting married for everyone else's benefit. That is the problem. We don't want or need to impress anyone else.
Then there is my family. Their drama isn't as bad, but really it takes the wind right out of our sails. We've been together for 10 years and I have had my idea for a wedding all planned out for at least 5 years. Then suddenly my sister gets engaged and plans her wedding at the beach with the ocean as the backdrop just as I envisioned for my wedding and with the tropical flowers, etc. Except she took something that I planned and turned it into some rigid, contrived parade. My sister is so uptight she could eat coal and shit out diamonds. Seriously, she is an accountant, need I say more? I love my sister but because she stole my idea to have a wedding at the beach, I really can't exactly go and do that now can I? So pretty much anything I do now, will not only be compared to hers, but people will think that we do everything alike, and that couldn't be farther from the truth.
So I have come to the conclusion that we will just go get married at the justice of the peace and whoever wants to come is invited to come. Then we can go out to dinner here in our home state and then my fiance and I will go to Puerto Rico and enjoy each other there. ALONE. We can even have a little ceremony on the beach there and take pictures. Just the two of us. The way it should be.
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